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  • AnonymousMy story, the whole story is a very long one, some of which I believe I have forgotten and passed of as trivial because I would crumble under the weight of all that has happened to me otherwise. I will try not to ramble too much. When I was 17 I was raped by my boyfriend. I didn’t know it was rape until years later, but it taught me never to say no. I am now 24 and in the last 6 months I was raped again, this time I was very very drunk, to the point I couldn’t walk, my brother brought me to...
  • ibelieveyouitsnotyourfault

    (QUESTION CONT.

    …his friends house where he left his friend to look after me, I remember waking up several times in the night telling him to get off me, but i remember nothing else, I didn’t know how to handle it, I couldn’t imagine he had raped me so to make it ok I started dating him.. this didn’t make it ok, it made it worse, my brother was furious and started rumours about me. So I came back home where I was to stay with my aunt and uncle, the 2nd night my aunt was off to visit her daughter for a while. so it was just me and my uncle, we ate dinner and drank a bottle of wine, I got upset about the rumours my brother had started, my uncle came to console me on the sofa and started to rub his hands over my breast, and then down to my crouch. I didn’t know what to do, so I said I was tired and I wanted to go to bed. In between my first rape and the latest rape and sexual assault there have been countless others because I didn’t know how to say no, because they got me alone and I was to scared to upset them. I have slept with far more men then I would like to admit because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, because it was easier than making them mad. I have had my own brothers shame me for being a sexually active girl and they made up and started horrible rumours about me several times. My own mother hates girls who sleep around too easy.. I am one of those girls, i sleep with guys i don’t even like because I don’t know how to say no. because I’m afraid of what will happen if i do. and i sleep with guys i do like just to make them happy in the hopes that they will care about me. BUT what my uncle was the final straw. I want to scream that this is no longer ok to treat me like this, I am not a toy! and just because I don’t know how to say doesn’t mean you have the right to touch me.. EVER!.. I told my mam about my uncle, just my uncle, but i don’t know how to go about reporting him. I am terrified this will rip the family apart and no one will believe me. my aunt doesn’t believe me. she said he hasn’t had an erection in 10 years, but that doesn’t mean he’s not capable of touching me.. I want to tell my mam about the rapes. but I am worried how she will react, after she found out about my uncle she stopped eating for 5 weeks. how do I tell my story? how do i tell someone all that has happened without them thinking that i made it all up? there is so much to my story I’m afraid no one would ever believe me. I am desperate for some advice.

    I know this is not very well written, its all over the place. but my heart is in my throat and my vision blurred from tears.

    Please help me!

    I am so sorry that these horrible things happened to you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. No one does. I am also truly sorry that you are not getting the support you need from your family. Here’s something I want you to know: it doesn’t matter whether they believe you or not. These horrible things still did happen to you and you need help and support. Since they are not there for you (or if they are they are not emotionally capable of helping you) then you might want to consider going outside of your family and finding someone to talk to.I don’t know where you live and so don’t know what you have available in your community, but I would suggest starting with a trusted healthcare provider and moving from there onto a therapist. Additionally, you might consider finding a women’s crisis center. I’m scared for you right now and I want you to know that I believe you. I really do. I will be thinking of you." - Myfanwy

    My vision is blurred from tears, too, just from reading. I think your feelings are shared by many, many, many people around the world and that you are not at all alone. Many, many assault victims are afraid to say no, don’t know how to say no, or have not been trained to say no to unwanted and unwelcome touching or advances.

    I am worried that you are not getting the help and support that you need from your family. I wonder how your support network works outside your family unit. Do you have trusted friends you can talk to? Access to a counselor? Or other mental health professional? There are support groups you can access online or in real life. There is so much information in our Resources section that might be really helpful and of use. 

    This blog exists for you. So many people feel like you do, experience the same sadness, pain, rejection and sense of dismay. We are here for you. We believe you." - Jennifer

    Do you have someone in your life who will believe you? A friend, someone you trust? Tell that person first. Then decide whether or not you want to go to the police about your uncle. It is as simple as walking into the police station and telling them that you’ve been assaulted. They will walk you through the rest of it.

    In the meantime, you need to be in therapy, and maybe consider staying away from men for a while, if you feel you can’t stand up for yourself to them. There are sliding-scale mental health clinics in pretty much every community that do fantastic work for patients who can’t afford behavioral healthcare otherwise. They’re frequently staffed with social workers who have seen and heard these things over and over again in their careers. They will believe you.

    If your family doesn’t - and they probably won’t - it’s not a good idea to make your family your primary source of support. Be prepared to have people not believe you, and don’t let it stop you from taking care of yourself. That has to be your primary goal right now.
    " - Rebecca

    Thank you for reaching out to us and trusting us with your story. The way you describe feeling is pretty common in rape and abuse survivors. Sometimes it seems like if we never say no to sex, we’re protecting ourselves from being raped again. It’s not your fault; it’s a protective measure that many victims take. You are worthy of love and a healthy, respectful sex life. Please believe me when I say that you are valuable and deserve to feel your value in the context of a relationship if you want one. Support groups are sometimes a good way to start the healing process. They often meet at hospitals, libraries, community centers or colleges. A good therapist will be able to help you find your self esteem again, and they will also be able to help you work toward finding a support system and reporting the crimes people have committed against you, if that’s your goal. You don’t owe your family anything if they don’t love and support you. You don’t control their responses, and you aren’t responsible for their feelings. I wish we could wrap you up in love and support in person, but know that we’re here, believing you, believing in you, and hoping you find the help you need." - Stefanie

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